you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
