once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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