From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
