I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
