i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
