the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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