the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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