I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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