yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
