Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
