I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
