we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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