She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Randomize
