There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
