so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize