just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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