I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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