my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
please come you make the beer taste better
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
