whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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