I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
