I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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