there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
