why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
