youre lurking in front of me
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
