My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
