Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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