Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
