My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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