So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Someone shit on the floor
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize