Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just gargled with NyQuil
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
