You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
