So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
