I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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