she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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