dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
