I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
