How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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