I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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