My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
