Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
