8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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