my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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