You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
