it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
