If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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