My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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