In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
