I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
