dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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