i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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