the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
