Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
