I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
