I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
