Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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