I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
