Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
