i just wanna soil my oats bro
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
