the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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