Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
