All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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