I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
