the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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