Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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