Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize