We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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