sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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